The Washington Football Team just announced that they are considering eight new names (three of which are finalists). While everyone and their mother will give takes that nobody asked for, I decided that I want to take the perspective of how well these new names will sound in the minds of an Eagles fan. In other words, how many jokes I can milk out of these names will play a huge role in how I grade these. I have graded all of these names on a letter basis and will be choosing my choice at the end.
Update: Jason Wright, the Washington Football Team president, clarified that Washington has a final three and not a formal list of eight:
Washington Armada: D-
Yeah, I am not a fan of this one. Not only do I not really like singular team names (Heat, Jazz, Wild), but I had to google what an armada exactly was. Apparently, it is a fleet of ships, but who actually knows that outside of Spanish military buffs? This only works for teams that have a history, and maybe the name is dated, but it holds water due to how many winning seasons it has seen. Starting the name armada in the year 2022 just sounds corny and confusing. The word armada itself sounds fictional too. I see what it was going for, but the Eagles beating the armada sounds really dorky, like every football game is a game of dungeons and dragons.
Washington Brigade: D
Again, another singular team name, although I’m pretty sure more people know what a brigade is. In fact, a brigade and armada are basically the same thing, so the fact that both are finalists is super redundant and takes points off of both names. The only brigade this franchise needs is a fire brigade to extinguish the dumpster fire of Daniel Snyder’s reign.
Washington Commanders: B+
LOL! Commanding what? All these military team names would make sense in the 2010s when it seemed they would tank every year. This name would be so fun to make fun of as an eagles fans. I would love to come out to commanding leads over the so-called commanders. This name would be graded higher if it wasn’t so hard to say “commanders’ offensive coordinator” ten times fast. Also, saying the commander coach just seems redundant.
Washington Defenders: A+
Washington Defenders sounds exactly like a name you would choose after having one of the most offensive names in sports history, which is perfectly appropriate for Washington. Perhaps this name commemorates all the non-Native Americans who defended that the name “Redskin” was not offensive to anyone. But what Snyder and co fail to realize is that the name defenders would be offensive to the XFL team that literally played in the same location who had that name first. It’s unoriginal and creates problems. What nickname would you give to the offense of the Washington Defenders? The contradictions? Who is going to be intimidated by a “Defender Offense”? What happens in years when the Defenders defense gets obliterated? This would be another name solely to be the butt of jokes.
Washington Presidents: F-
Nope. I, for one, do not want to end up on an FBI watchlist any time I talk smack with a fan of this team. Imagine tweeting, “we are going to beat the crap out of the Presidents,” and then you get whisked away to Guantanamo Bay. That’s just not how I envision my Sunday mornings. Not to mention, Presidents is just a lame name, period. Who would actually want to be called the president, all that would mean is half the country hating you, at least. Plus, if you think of Presidents as anything but old and unathletic dudes, you must be a Washington Defender (ba dum tss). Hopefully, if this is the name, they will be just as inefficient as a real Washington President.
Washington Redwolves: A-
I won’t lie, this name sounds badass. I am of the opinion that wolves is an underused and underrated name. A wolf is just a way more intimidating name than any of the other ones. Plus, the red part of their name would allow them to keep their iconic ketchup and mustard color scheme (although they may have to get rid of the yellow here). I would love to see what this logo would look like too. I will give props to this name not as an eagles fan but as a fan of good marketing.
Washington Redhogs: A
This name makes the most sense for this team. Named after the 80s offensive line would be a good shoutout to this team’s history without having to say their old name. It keeps the color scheme, and a good artist can get creative with the logo. If I’m Washington, I am choosing this one.
Washington Football Team: Z
I am already sick of this boring, lame, hard-to-type-out name. That is all.
I predict that the name will end up being one of the ones that have “red” in the title. I can’t imagine any self-respecting franchise choosing any of these other names. Then again, it is Washington. I would have loved the name Red Tails in reference to the Tuskegee Airmen, but that was not in the cards, unfortunately. My bet is that Redwolves will win.
Editor’s Note: I am still all the way in on the Washington Sentinels.
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Jish Sokolsky is a featured writer at The Birds Blitz. For more from Jish, check out his archive and read through our Eagles articles for the latest news about the Birds.
